On the topic of judgement.
I was daydreaming the other day and I thought about judgement. I am afraid of being judged by others. The fear is that someone will find fault. And when one finds fault (which in my case is absolutely affirmative) means that I am out of the club. That is my fear. I will be rejected, thrown out, not good enough, my faults make me unlovable. Intellectually, I know this should be untrue, but I am not talking about intellectually. The experience of being rejected and abandoned for all of me because of one fault is fear that is based in judgement. In my exploration of this fear, I found that if I follow my fear to the end and I consider God’s approach to my judgement it flips my fear on its head. Let me explain, to the best of my ability because this is an experience rather than an intellectual ascent. Let’s say we are in the middle of the story in the bible where the woman is caught in adultery. This is where I place myself when I fear being judged. I’m in the middle of a scene surrounded by people that know my sin. My own adultery, my selfishness; I am guilty. And there are people ready to pick up the stone. And they want to. There is hatred and shock in their eyes. They want to throw the stone. I am afraid. I am in panic. But I have no excuse, the accusations are true. I did bad. And I may even begin to believe that I deserve the stone (which is worse that others belief – when I believe that about myself). What does God do? What does God do every single time? She knows the fault too. She knows more than we do. What does she do? Looking straight into the eye of the ugliness, She says go my child and sin no more. What does She say to my accusers? She says, he who is without sin, throw the first stone! Wow. Holy Jesus Almighty. We are all in the pit. No one escapes the trap of sin. And we fear the judgement to this. But what I believe judgement really is, is not the point in which your sentence is death based on your true sin, it’s the point that you are deemed worthy INSPITE of that sin. God judges our worth, the totality of our selves, as good regardless of our ugliness. She says, you are forgiven, go and sin no more. And She tells everyone else, don’t forget that you are in the circle too. Judgement then, is intimate. It brings me closer to the One who loves. It binds me together closer than sex. The acceptance, the nearness, the promise of never leaving is the result of true judgement. It’s the exact opposite of my fear. It brings me closer to God. She wants me anyway!!!!! She doesn’t abandon and leave me. She looks at it with me, She doesn’t escape the truth and cover it up. She looks right at it and then She looks me right in the eye and says “You are forgiven. Your value is infinitely more than your sin. And I understand you in such a way that your sin make sense given your history. You sinned out of your brokeness and I understand you. Go and sin no more.” What?! In my astonishment, others put down their rocks. In my amazement, I have found myself. I start to believe what She says is true. I cry. I am safe. No fear in love. I am eternally loved. And this changes my life.